It's Okay to Not Be Okay

Today is World Mental Health day

The conversation about mental health has been shifting in recent years. It has become more acceptable to talk about your own battles and more people are asking for help.

I personally have battled with anxiety and depression for most of my life. It become more prominent when I was in middle school, but I would say I did not full understand it until I was in high school and I started being bullied. When that started my anxiety heightened and my depression became more prominent. At the time however, I blamed the others for how my mind was reacting, thinking it was more situational depression, but after finally opening up about what I was feeling I realized it was not just because of what these bullies were saying and doing, but it was because I had depression.

Mental health has affected everyone in my family in one way or another. Both of my sisters deal with depression just as I do, but we all have varying levels, and while my older sisters is more of a chronic depression, my younger sister and I have a flare up depression. My anxiety is more of a daily issue for me.

My anxiety started to form after my dad passed away when I was 10, and I began to shut down my emotions and the panic attacks started. As I got older the panic attacks began to slow in rate, but I got really good at wearing a mask so no one could tell how I was truly feeling. I was afraid that if people saw how scared, lonely and depressed as I was they would not like me anymore.

I realize now that those thoughts are ridiculous, but when I was in that place, I thought it was wrong to feel the way I was feeling, when I had a good life.

I had a really rough two after high school, it was dark and I was having 2-3 panic attacks a week. Then something hit me when I was talking to my sister. I was not alone. She understood parts of where my mind was and just how stuck I was in my own mind.

After that moment, I decided it was time to get more consistent help and I began to talk about my anxiety and how I was dealing with situations in my life. I began to realize that it was natural to not feel okay, and it was nothing I was doing wrong, it was nothing that I could change about myself, it was just something I would need to work with.

It's okay to not be okay!