Dealing with Health Issues

My health has always been a struggle but these last couple of months have been quite difficult

I am blessed that my health issues have never been life threatening, however that does not make them any less valid. I am hypoglycemic and have Vasovagal syncope episodes, so when I began blacking out frequently in March, we assumed it was these issues. However, we quickly realized something was different about these situations.

At first we thought it was related to my period as it was happening predominantly during that time. After my second severe black out, I went to my doctor and thus started the journey of tests, and doctors visits and more tests.

At my first appointment to figure out why these episodes were so different, A good amount of blood was taken to send off for tests, as we had to start from the ground up, having no real connection to what the cause was. When tests came back all clear, I was both relieved and disappointed at the same time. I would have preferred it been something small like Iron or B12 deficiency, rather than needing more tests. However, I was relieved that it was not a thyroid issue as that could have caused more problems in the future.

From there we went to specialists to sort out my other health issues to see if they were related, such as Gastroenterology to check my IBS and Gynecology to see if there was a relation to my period. The main test, which added to my stress of not knowing what was going on was having to wear a heart monitor for 2 weeks. That monitor reminded me everyday that I didn't know what was wrong with me. I knew answers would come from it but I both feared and hoped for the results. If it was a heart issue how much of my life would change? Would I need surgery? Was it something I could live with? If it wasn't a heart issue, what now? I was already constantly not feeling well and now the added stress of medical questions took a tole on me mentally.

Yes, blacking out was a major physical response, but it was also constant aches, headaches and nausea. For months my brain felt like it was disconnected from my body. I would be fine and then everything would go fuzzy, like it was static from a TV. I could still move around and function but it felt like I was two different people living in the same body. I was constantly scarred and frustrated. I wanted to live my normal life and do the projects I had goals for and practice the piano, or study Korean. However, most days I slept or watched shows so I could zone out. I was still watching kids a couple days a week during the beginning of all of this. I felt like such a failure to them, because I got tired quickly or zoned out for a second, and felt like I wasn't giving them my full energy like I hade been in the beginning of watching them. However, they brought me joy during the stressful time, they didn't understand that I was struggling to them I was just Amy like always. Which gave me peace that I could once again be that Amy.

I thankfully got a clean slate for my heart monitor results. Which at the time I was frustrated but relieved. Now I am just relieved by the results. We still had so many questions though. Then the climax happened. I started to get really dizzy one night and went to lay on the couch. My body and my brain disconnected again and I was fuzzy like a TV. Then things changed. I began to tense up into seizes, I was in physical and emotional pain. I was panicking because nothing like this had ever happened before. I couldn't hold my head up, my hands hurt to unfold, and I was terrified of what all this meant. Seeing my mom and step-dad looking at me the way they did made my heart break. They hurt seeing me hurt and I trust me I wanted nothing more then to be okay too. My younger sister had seen so much of my medical journey in the past, but this was new. She couldn't bring herself to come into the room I was in, and after talking to her later she said a lot of it was my crying, she didn't want to see me in pain. My family at this point loaded me into the car and off we went to the hospital.

After a horrendous time in the ER, we finally got home and I got some much needed rest from the night of crazy events and no answers. I called my doctor who at this point I had seen more in the last 5 months then in the last 4 years combined and scheduled an appointment for that day. After having talked to my older sister (a licensed therapist), I wanted to talk to my doctor about my anxiety and to see if there was a connection. Once that was brought up it was like a lightbulb went off in my doctor. He was asking me about everything that had been going on besides health issues, if I had ever gotten professional help after witnessing a suicide in January, if was having panic attacks anymore, etc. After our discussion my doctor told me that what he believed had been happening was a physical manifestation of my anxiety. That there had been so much happen in my life, especially lately that I had not taken care of this was my body's way of telling me it need help.

I am now a month on an anti-anxiety medication and not blackout episodes. While getting used to the medication I spent a lot of time unfocused, nauseous or with no appetite at all. I do now feel much better, then I did at the beginning of this journey. I still have my struggles of getting back to where I was before all of this. I am still trying to get my sleep schedule adjusted to a normal time, and to get my focus to a point where I can comfortably get a lot done. This is a journey and while things are better they are not 'fixed'. I will have to get better about recognizing stress and sharing my troubles in order to keep from things piling up in my head.

I wouldn't be where I am right now if it wasn't for the encouragement, support and concern that my family offered me. My mom was my rock during all of this. She helped me up (physically and mentally), and held onto my hand. I hated that I did this but I pushed away from most people in my life. Not talking to my friends or sharing much with anyone. I didn't want to sound like a complainer, I was grumpy and in pain and I didn't want people to see that side of me. Most people see me as the smiling, bubbly girl ready to jump in and help or go on an adventure. At this time though I was so far away from that girl, that I didn't want people to see me. So, I was leaning on my family more than ever. I am also extremely blessed for the parents of the kids I watched during this time. They were incredibly understanding and concerned. In a way they became my confidants during all of this, it was like since I didn't have the strength or courage to talk to my friends, I turned to them. They are professors and parents, I knew they had seen a lot and I knew I could be open and share my frustrations with them.

So for those still reading this long post, I am doing better. It was a struggle of pain, tears and frustration. It will always be a struggle but I at least now know what I am struggling against and now I know I can do it, with the support from those around me. Those who held my hand or just listened to my frustrations during everything, to my friends whom I have now opened up too and shared my fears and pain through everything.